Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
You Might Also Like
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
This is I, Robot all over again
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Mornin. * use accordingly
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.