Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine

Police: Sir, you account is hacked.

Me: Twitter?

Police: No, bank account.

Me: Oh, thank god !!

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??