Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It got weird, didn’t it? ”

*Leaves on a pogo stick.*

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist

[at wedding]

Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace

Me (raises hand)

Pastor: It’s your wedding

Me (lowers hand)

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”

*sandwiches

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.

#MeanwhileInCanada

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹