Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout