*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
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Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.