*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
You Might Also Like
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Camping tip: No.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[eulogy]
line?
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches