*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
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My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
But I really needed water water water
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”