*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
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[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Hot Panini is in big trouble
life lately
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it鈥檚 lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My patronus is a cheeseburger
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 馃ぃ馃槵馃が
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I once put a cigarette out on someone鈥檚 arm for telling me that we didn鈥檛 evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.