Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

[Me in hospital bed]

My wife: How is he?

Dr: He was dead for 15m

Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

[First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad