Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

[in ambulance]

“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”

Yes it was like an angry rope

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird

“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

My life coach traded me.

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?