Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
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My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Huge, if true.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
The internet is magic sometimes.
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
(more comics:
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.