u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
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When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Just say no
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
how many bears make up a bear minimum
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.