Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

1965~ Wow Cher looks good

1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good

1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good

2020 ~Wow Cher looks good

3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

old twitter is back baby

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?

Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire