Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

date: I love a man who’s self aware

me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring

date: *gets super turned on*

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

Who called it baking and not making love

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.