*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
You Might Also Like
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
😂🤣😂🤣
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
