*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
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There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
December birthdays be like…
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure