*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
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First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent