*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
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Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.