Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.