Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

Whisper out to librarians!

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

Customer: can you help me?

Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.