Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.

titanic

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”