@thejamietighe

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

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@stacywawa1

In my 20’s – chases a martini with a tequila shot and some weed

In my 40’s – chases a multivitamin with a glass of milk so it doesn’t upset my stomach

@Playing4Second

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

@wildethingy

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

@FeralCrone

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

@BrainSeducer

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

@jellybnbonanza

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

@alfageeek

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

@AllanForsyth

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.