*turns off life support*


*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

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In my 20’s – chases a martini with a tequila shot and some weed

In my 40’s – chases a multivitamin with a glass of milk so it doesn’t upset my stomach


CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint


I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.


A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.


Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!


All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…


It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.


What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?


I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.