Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)