*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
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Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
what could possibly go wrong?
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Attacked by a mop.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella