Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.

mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?

cat: *narrows eyes* yes

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”

Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park