Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10

me: ok

[later]

me: hey grandma

grandma: hello dear

me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

Dead sexy!!

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes