Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

That stupid look on my face, is my face

Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

This squirrel eats better than I do

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.