Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

the three branches of government

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

He died doing what he loved: being alive

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.