Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

Waiter: How is the chicken?

Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?

I used Michael Bay leaves.

I’ll leave.

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

If you know, you know

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks