Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*

*pays $47.00*

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

Midwest trash talk

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.