*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
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Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.