*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
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[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating