*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
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Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Pickled cat.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo: