*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
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I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
