Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.

Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple

Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

My Boss: Are you with me so far?

Me *nodding* : Yes.

*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.

People might drive more safely
if airbags were filled with glitter

This is I, Robot all over again