*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
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husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”