*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
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*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Guys, I found it.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.