*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

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[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied


This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]


[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]


[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen


Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…


Blood is thicker than water. Then again, so is oatmeal, and I would much rather be oatmeal brothers.


Do Twitter your way. But don’t mention spiders. Or clowns. Or moist. Or moist clown spiders.


Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes


Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.