@jonnysun

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

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@KalvinMacleod

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

@chuuew

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

@EndhooS

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

@KeetPotato

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

@thetobbie

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

@SuperJuanderer

Blood is thicker than water. Then again, so is oatmeal, and I would much rather be oatmeal brothers.

@QueenofSparta

Do Twitter your way. But don’t mention spiders. Or clowns. Or moist. Or moist clown spiders.

@PickleRudd

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

@HallpassCanada

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.