I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
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Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Sponch
A bold strategy
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.