Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕

Cat 911: what’s your emergency

Cat: my human is bleeding to death!

911: stay calm. what happened

Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her

911:

Cat:

911: hahahaha

Cat: hahahaHA

Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

I will never stop laughing at this

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

Start the year as you intend to continue.

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.