*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
This is my bus stop.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
hmmmmmm
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
