Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
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My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
he was correct
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
GM✌🏻
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
don’t we all
