Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*

JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

On the way to school this morning:

5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”

Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”

5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early

jeff bezos: moon’s unionized

nasa employee: what?

jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)