Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

HER: I think we should break up

ME: But…why?

HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue

ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction

HER: Or both

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.