Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
You Might Also Like
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Good morning
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???