@junejuly12

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

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@ElizaBayne

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

@Home_Halfway

I like to go to my local diner and order pancakes “on the rocks.” They don’t know what I mean. Neither do I. They hate it when I come in

@ReticentTurnip

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

@Ivsy01

I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.

@funflaps

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

@Sarcasticsapien

I only discriminate against people who discriminate. I’m basically the Dexter of discrimination.

@AGreaterMonster

I just ran for the train so I think I’m good on running for a couple years.