Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
You Might Also Like
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.