Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
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POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.