Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”

“Covid.”

“Toddlers.”

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.

her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

[introducing a girl to my parents]

“These are the roommates I was telling you about”

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.