Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
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My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
New mindset, who dis?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
dream blunt rotation
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.