Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
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Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call