Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.

I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.

#lifehacks

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*

My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.

My Son: It’s really fancy!

Me: It’s the best!

~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.