Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Holy moly

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy