Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.