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Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occurWow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.