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Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
