Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
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This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.