Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
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Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
this year felt like being awake during surgery
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
My diet starts in January
of 2027
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
jesus, what did this guy do
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”