Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

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Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.


Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF


My son just looked at his best friend of 5 years and said “hey you” because he temporarily forgot his name and I’ve never felt closer to him.


The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”


Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]


At the club, a 6’1″ girl was crying in my lap.

I just kept petting her hair, pretending she was a sad giraffe.



I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.


All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…


I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…


[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?