Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.

To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

There are usually two types of merchants.

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business