Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

😂😂

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.

[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.