turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
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Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Good morning, Twitter x
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
A roof is a house hat.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.