Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?