Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
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what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
called in thicc to work this morning
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
I think I’m having a stroke
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
*has no idea what a book even is*
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.