Turns out if you ask your neighbor who his favorite serial killer is he’ll stop trying to talk to you & I just wish I’d thought of this sooner.
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Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
That’s not how days work.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt