Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

How does someone manage that 🤨

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”

“Any sides?”

“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.