Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

*Tries to start the wave at a funeral

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

Anyone want a chair?

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby

I love wikipedia

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.