Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

I’ve joined a 12 step program.

Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.