Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

These are too funny not to post 😂

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones