Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

every man in east london

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!

My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?

Me: That I’m here.

Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-

Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?

I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.

She said yes.

Part ways through the first episode she asks:

“I wonder when we meet Evan.”

I asked, who?

She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*