Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
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“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.