I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
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Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}