Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
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[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.