Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
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I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Time heals everything 🙂
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him