Turns out I’m not an afternoon person either.
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Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.
All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.